From mail Thu Apr 18 02:43 EDT 1991 To: jc@minya Subject: Notefile DAVE_BARRY Note 4.0 Date: Wed, 17 Apr 91 09:33:38 EDT From: bu.edu!sppip7.pa.dec.com!jc <<< HYDRA::DISK$USERPACK02:[NOTES$LIBRARY]DAVE_BARRY.NOTE;1 >>> -< Dave Barry - Noted humorist >- ================================================================================ Note 4.0 How a Computer Changed My Life No replies VAXWRK::STILES 94 lines 4-FEB-1983 23:00 - -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- H O W A C O M P U T E R C H A N G E D M Y L I F E By Dave Barry ( Renowned Natural Childbirth Expert) The computer is no longer just a large, complex, expensive object that major corporations blame when they screw up your order. Thanks to the miracle of electronics, today's computer is a small, complex, expensive object that you can have in your home. If you read your major trend-spotting magazines such as Time and Newsweek, you know that in recent years virtually every man, woman and child in the United State has bought a personal home computer. You constantly see art- icles explaining how ordinary people like yourself are finding all kinds of handy uses for computers around the home: Bob and Dorris Pullet of Full Horse, Texas, use their computer for many things, such as keeping track of what kind of soup they have in their pantry. "It has been a real boon to us," reported Doris. "In the old days, we would have to open the pantry door and manually look inside to see whether we had, say, chicken gumbo. But now all I do is turn on the computer, enter my secret password, punch in a few simple commands and within a matter of seconds the computer says 'CHKN GMB 2;87;74,' which lets me know we have two cans of chicken gumbo with a depreciated value of 87 cents, or 74 cents adjusted for inflation. And Bob is working on a program that will keep track of the good forks." After I read about 30 articles like this, I sought a personal home computer. I originally planned to use it to organize my data. I have a lot of trouble keeping my data straight. Here's my system: Let's say I get a piece of data in the form of a letter from the telephone company explaining that, just to keep its legal staff busy, it is applying for one of its bi-weekly rate hikes. I put the letter in a manila file folder, mark it "Phone Company," and put it in my filing cabinet. I have about 300 file folders, maybe 200 of whick say "Phone Company," and I can never find anything. That's why I figured I needed a personal computer. The man at the computer store told me that not only could my computer straight- en out my files, but it would also figure out all my tax deductions. This struck me as a terrific bonus, because in previous years I have been so bad at keeping track of my tax deductions that I have had to make them up. So within a matter of minutes I purchased a computer for little more that it would cost me to buy a lengthy vacation to Hawaii. I think I got a fairly stupid computer. This is usually the way it goes with me. Several years ago I got a German Shepherd, which is supposed to be an intelligent brand of dog, the kind of dog that recognizes unfriendly intruders and attacks them fiercely. But through some one-chance-in-a-million genetic quirk, our German Shepherd attacks only plastic milk jugs. If we ever have an unfriendly intruder who happens to have some old milk jugs tied to his belt, our dog will be a powerful deterrent. Well, my computer makes our dog look like Albert Einstein. I plugged it in and turned it on, and instead of going to work on my telephone-company letters, it started asking a lot of idiot questions, such as what day it was. So I typed in the following computer program: "NEVER YOU MIND WHAT DAY IT IS. WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO IS STRAIGHTEN OUT ALL MY FILES AND COME UP WITH A NICE, HEALTHY LIST OF TAX DEDUCTIONS, TAKING PAINS TO GIVE ME, RATHER THAN THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE, THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT, BUT NOT CLAIMING ANYTHING THAT WOULD LAND ME IN THE FEDERAL SLAMMER, IF YOU GET MY DRIFT." And the computer said: SYNTAX ERROR Do you believe that? This machine that doesn't even know what day it is tells me, the paid professional writer, that I have a syntax error. So I went back to the computer store, and the salesman told me that if I wanted the computer to organize my data, I would have to buy a program that costs several hundred dollars. Since I had spent virtually all my money on the computer, I decided instead to buy a program called "Defense Command," which cost only $15. "Defense Command" does not organize my data, but it does enable me to play this computer game wherein I shoot an atomic laser cannon at little alien beings who are trying to steal my fuel cells so their Mother Ship can come down and wipe me out with the Solar Waster. I brougt the game home and the computer just loved it. It didn't ask me what day it was or anything; it just started playing. The night I got it, my neigh- bor, who is thinking of getting a computer to organize his data, came over and we fought the aliens for six straight hours and drank a case of beer. Overall, I'd say my computer has greatly increased my personal productivity. At first, my "Defense Command" scores were in the 4,000 range, which means the aliens were having no trouble stealing my fuel cells. They would just swoop down chortling, and steal them with ease. But I have become so productive that nowadays I routinely score over 20,000, a tremendous increase in personal productivity that would have been impossible without my computer. I have begun to sense a new respect on the part of the aliens. I'm beginning to wonder how I could ever get by without a personal computer. I'm also beginning to wonder if I can use my atomic laser cannon against my files, or even the phone company. ------- End of Forwarded Message