X: 1
T:Four Prominent Bastards
C:Trad: Solomon Levi
S:Digital Tradition, fourbstd
N:Author: Ogden Nash
N:This was, the story goes, written for a Gridiron Club dinner ca. 1941, and
N:was broadcast on Armed Service Radio by mistake. It's been published as "A
N:Ballad to be Sung By Four Prominent Love Children"
Z:dt:fourbstd
M:4/4
L:1/8
Q:2/4=100
W:I'm an autocratic figure in these democratic states
W:A dandy demonstration of hereditary traits.
W:As the children of the baker make the most delicious breads
W:And the sons of Casanova fill the most exclusive beds,
W:And the Barrymores and Roosevelts and others I could name
W:Inherited the features that perpetuate their fame,
W:My position in the structure of society I owe
W:To the qualities my parents bequeathed me long ago.
W:Now, my father was a gentleman, and musical, to boot;
W:He used to play piano in a house of ill repute.
W:My mother was the madam, and a credit to her cult
W:She liked my daddy's playing, and I was the result.
W:So my mammy and my daddy are the ones I've got to thank,
W:I'm the chairman of the board of the National City Bank.
W:
W:  Chorus:
W:  Our parents forgot to get married
W:  Our parents forgot to get wed;
W:  Did a wedding bell chime, that was always a time
W:  They were somewhere off in bed.
W:  So it's thanks to our kind-hearted parents
W:  We're kings in this land of the free
W:  The banker, the broker, the Washington joker
W:  Three prominent bastards are we.
W:
W:In a cozy little cottage, in a cozy little dell
W:A dear old-fashioned farmer and his daughter used to dwell.
W:She was pretty, she was charming, she was tender, she was mild
W:And her sympathies were such that she was frequently with child.
W:The year her hospitality attained a record high
W:She found herself the mother of an infant, which was I.
W:And whenever she was gloomy I could always make her grin
W:By childishly inquiring who my daddy might have been.
W:Now the hired man was favored by the gals of mammy's set
W:And the traveling man from Scranton was an even-money bet,
W:But such were mammy motives, and such was her allure
W:That even Roger Babson wasn't altogether sure.
W:So I took my mammy's morals and I took my daddy's crust
W:And I grew to be the founder of a big investment trust.
W:
W:On a dusty southern chain-gang, on a dusty southern road
W:My late-lamented pappy made his permanent abode,
W:Now while some was there for stealing, my pappy's only fault
W:Was an overwhelming weakness for criminal assault.
W:His philosophy was simple, and free of moral tape,
W:"Seduction is for sissies; a he-man wants his rape!"
W:Pappy's total list of victims was embarrassingly rich
W:And though one of them was mammy, still he could not tell me which.
W:Well I never went to college, but I got me a degree,
W:I guess I am the model of a perfect S.O.B,
W:I'm a debit to my country, but a credit to my dad,
W:The most expensive senator this country ever had.
W:I remember pappy's telling me, "Boy, rapin' is a crime
W:Unless you rape the voters, a million at a time."
W:
W:I'm an ordinary figure in these democratic states,
W:A pathetic demonstration of hereditary traits.
W:As the children of the cops possess the flattest kind of feet
W:And the daughter of the floozie has a waggle to seat,
W:My position in the basement of society I owe
W:To the qualities my parents bequeathed me long ago.
W:Now, my father was a married man, and what is even more
W:He was married to my mother, a fact that I deplore
W:I was born in holy wedlock, consequently bye and bye
W:I got rooked by every bastard with plunder in his eye.
W:I invested, I deposited, I voted every fall
W:Did I ever get a penny saved, those bastards took it all.
W:Well, at last I've learned my lesson, and I'm on the proper track
W:I'm a self-appointed bastard, and I'm gonna get it back.
W:
W:  final Chorus:
W:  Our parents forgot to get married
W:  Our parents forgot to get wed;
W:  Did a wedding bell chime, that was always a time
W:  They were somewhere off in bed.
W:  So it's thanks to our kind-hearted parents
W:  We're kings in this land of the free
W:  The banker, the broker, the Washington joker
K:C
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M:3/8
L:1/8
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